I’m You and More

It’s some evening I tasted the sin for the first time. At a young age with all those fantasies and dreams weaving within the restless mind; aiming at you to steal all the attention you might need that evening to feel special.

Damn!

You are special, who dares to disagree?

Out in the dark, at that god-forsaken corner of the shops, your inherent smile struck me like an intricate disarray. And I looked at you. Through the ecstasy of eternal salvation, I devoured you with all the gaze eyes have to offer.

My heart settled for the time being; after a long long time.

My nomadic heart stepped on a sticky pit with no chance to get out. My heart — it didn’t try to free itself from drowning, to be honest. Rather it longed for more gravitational energy to pull down until it sucks all the love it contains for you and drowns you within; with me.

Sprout in the heart shut many moons ago.

A light in the darkness.

A warm shimmering light slowly turned into a spectrum of the hellish blaze; melting all the ice of my frozen heart — it slowly overpowered the darkness that I consciously raised all along.

And it continued.

For as long as I can remember. Without interruption, without fail.

As time passed by, my affection towards you grew stronger. And I could sense danger in it. The danger of confronting my love for you. The untamed force reckoning inside me could be devastating. It could kill off my sanity.

It could alter the way you look at me. As a stranger.

It could end your futile attempt to figure out what this nomad has to say through all those curious gazes. What’s with all those extra sugars in every cup of tea or why so calm amidst crowds? Why so close yet so far?

Only if you knew.

You didn’t know, right?

I bet you didn’t know cause I didn’t want that to happen. I didn’t want to ruin the gazing game so early; before it reached the pinnacle of longing.

Coward, you may say.

Indeed, I am. I had to.

I didn’t dare to miss the evenings you were there no matter how long it took. I didn’t dare to look otherwise as long as you were within my sight. I couldn’t make it to other girls for that your love weakened my heart so bad that it couldn’t even bleed.

Coward I am.

I had to.

Cause you were never mine and I knew you couldn’t ever be.